Because sometimes, nothing breaks. And when nothing breaks, you have nothing to fix. And when you have nothing to fix, you just start getting…antsy.
This is how you end up spending three hours replacing a stick-on trunklid badge. This is how you end up going through a six-pack of beer without even realizing it. This is how a $13,000 first-gen BMW M3 gets treated like something worth ten times as much.
Allow me to explain. Wait, no . . . screw explanation. Have some instructions:
1. ; Saw through logo glue/tape behind “M” and “3” with string.
2.; Become incredibly proud of yourself after realizing that never-before-used-only-heard-of-from-others trick actually worked. Realize you’re horribly inexperienced in the realm of stick-on emblem removal.
2.5. Press on, as old friend Mike Paradis used to say, non-irregardlessly.
3.; Pride returns. Congratulatory pats on the back for all involved. Beer suggested for all participants.
4.; Beer graciously turned down; too early in the morning, though seriously considered. Seriously.
5.; Stare intently at yellowish remains of glue (previous owner) and factory double-stick tape from emblems. Taunt said glue relentlessly. Become discouraged when most of it won’t come off with aforementioned method, move on to repeated use of solvents/abrasive chemicals.
6.; Physical work draining. Reconsider beer.
7.; Beer passed on grounds of “time” argument. Briefly consider giving up, until realization sets in that sight of trunklid in current state (de-badged) is far too grotesque to bear for any length of time.
8.; Formulate plan of action – fresh razor blades and solvent. Progress, millimeter by millimeter.
9.; One hour later (no exaggeration), paint not damaged, ego intact, hardened glue and tape removed.
10.; Dig through factory shop manuals for measurements relating to placement of “M” and “3” on trunklid. Find said information. Measurements are given in millimeters.
11.; Realize this job is going to be a pain in the ***. Dig up metric ruler and straightedge.
12.; Congratulatory pats on the back for all involved in effort to re-establish morale. *** pains remain.
13.; Transfer measurements to post-it note, obtain dry-erase marker and yellow grease pencil from toolbox in garage after much searching.
14.; Stare at trunklid. Wish car was a 240-horse euro-only factory hot-rod Sport Evo.
15.; Congratulatory pats on the back for excellent judgement and wealth of character on Sport Evo wishes. In spite of said action, car remains standard US-Spec M3.
16.; Reconsider consolatory beer. Satisfy self by simply opening fridge and staring at unopened beer.
16.5; Mumbling, drooling, commence at sight of unopened beer.
17.;; Measure twice, mark once. Dry-erase marker serves purpose well. Pat said marker on the cap, hoping for its blessing. Resist urge to sniff said marker.
17.5; Sniff said marker just a little.
17.7; Sinuses explode; immediately regret said marker-sniffing. Crawl around on floor making old-man noises until pain subsides.
18.; Measure again, in self-induced, marker-fueled paranoia, fearing that the measurements you’ve made were somehow the result of hallucinatory Evo-induced insanity. Realize they were, and you were off by a millimeter.
19.; Scratch *** in consternation.
20.;; Re-measure, re-mark, scotch tape old emblems in place and eyeball placement.
21.;; Remove old emblems, take deep breath. Remove new emblems from bag. Realize emblems are one-time use only due to nature of tape. Remind self of exorbitant cost of emblems.
22.;; Scratch *** in fear.
23.; Reconsider beer. Come to realization that it would only complicate matters. Silence inner protests to the contrary.
24.;; Apply “3.”
25.; Apply “M.”
26.;; Collapse on garage floor out of exhaustion.